The moment it happened was nothing short of picturesque.
Calmly strolling down Castle Town’s simple little roads, Tenna had been out and about greeting faces both new and old (you’re looking much better Mr. Tenna! Wow, you’re crazy tall, dude!) when his antennae instinctively swiveled towards a loud voice.
“KRIS I [Want! Want! Want!] ICE CREAM”
Perhaps not the most flattering sentence in the world, but Tenna hardly heard it as his heart beat its way out of his chest like a classic cartoon character.
Physical attraction in its purest form demanded that he run over and at least introduce himself, but the stranger’s appearance stopped him in his tracks. The massive multi-colored wings were something to ogle at, but it was this Darkner’s scraggly black hair and smile that sent a sharp pang through his system.
By the time Tenna had shaken himself out of his awestruck state, Kris and their (incredibly goodlooking) friend were long gone.
Shaking off the oncoming wave of gloobyness at the missed (rim) shot, Tenna reassured himself that Castle Town wasn’t that big, and surely they’d cross paths again sooner rather than later. Or maybe Kris or their friends could direct the stranger his way? Either way, this left him with time to think things through.
This was certainly something to bring up in his Mike appointment tomorrow…
————
The Green Pippins, better known as Mike, did almost everything ever asked of him. He sang to Tenna’s strange blue cupboard, he brought Tenna’s (positively enormous) mug of coffee to him whenever asked, and he (and the other mikes) always worked the set while everyone else was on stage or in the crowd.
Maybe it’s time to change that. He would think. I need to finally stand up to Tenna’s clingy behavior, and tell him who we- I mean I, really am.
But… maybe not. He would continue. This is kinda my fault too, right?
I’m the one who took up the mantle of “Mike” in the first place.
All because I… what. Was curious? Felt bad?
It didn’t matter how long this loop of thought went for. He’d chase his own coattails again and again, never grabbing hold, all while knowing what a successful “grabbing” would get him.
(A faceplant that comes with a spotlight.)
Tenna needed Mike. And Mike…
Mike…
“MIKE!”
The lowly Pippins, no- MOTORMOUTH Mike, shook himself out of his stupor, thanking his lucky stars he’d had the mask all ready to go for today’s activity.
“Why howdy- I mean, hello boss! You ready for your therapy session today?”
Tenna, who was standing halfway between Mike’s room and the hallway, smiled and advanced the rest of the way inside, moving to sit on the temporary couch Mike had set up for the CRT.
“You betcha! I think I’ll pass on the [[ELECTRICITY]] though, ‘cause I ALREADY feel like my wires are more ALIVE and KICKING than they’ve been in [[AGES]]!”
Mike’s smile widened just a hair, and maybe the little Pippins’ did too. This was good. Good mood = no glooby. No glooby = no crash outs to manage.
Mike retrieved a clipboard and a TV Time-branded pen from his inventory.
“That’s great to hear! Did ya wanna tell me what’s got you all fired up this morning?”
The Pippins couldn’t deny his curiosity, even in the face of a required question.
Tenna shuffled to lay down on the couch, lacing his fingers together as he did. The simple smile on his face brought out a hint of jealousy in the smallest Mike.
Why could he never make his boss this happy?
“Mike, I think [[LOVE]] has finally knocked on my heart's door again.”
Mike’s throat tightened as he felt his cuboid-brain start to throb, but like he’d done for years by this point, Mike widened his smile and put on a show.
“That’s good, boss! Wanna talk about it?”
A goofy smile wobbled its way onto his boss’ face, and his antennae twisted twice around one another. Oh.
Along with the throb in his head, the echoing pain of a recent memory sank its teeth into the Pippins.
There’s no way…?
“I saw him talking to Kris yesterday.”
It couldn’t possibly be…?
“He was tall, and… handsome? I don’t know, he had a certain charm.”
By the Great Fountain’s grace. It is.
Tenna’s smile was growing goofier by the minute, and Mike had to hide his fear-fueled frown behind the clipboard as a personal mercy.
“Maybe I should ask Kris to introduce us? Or should I go find him on my own?”
That painful memory finally scratched its way to the surface- one such meeting of a ‘Spamton G. Spamton.’
————
“Hey Battat!”
“Heha, that’s the minigame, kiddo! The name’s Motormouth Mike!”
Mike responded before turning around to face the purple Lightner, and he was glad he had, because looming behind the three Lightners was some kind of giant living nightmare-contraption, a horror beyond his wildest dreams.
“Yeah yeah.” The purple girl waved away his words like useless scrap paper. “Metermaid Mike, we’d like you to meet THE Spamton G. Spamton!”
A useless squeak was all the small Mike could say in response before the monster tilted its head and squinted behind a pair of pink and yellow (Cat Mike?) lenses.
“Y0U<RE NOT MIKE.”
The green Pippins’ eyes widened to saucers from behind his mask.
Tenna had always described Spamton as “a short lout of a Darkner,” which was quite unlike the terrifying heap of metal above him. Maybe to Tenna, everything beneath his own towering height was short? The math checked out, to a certain degree.
The purple girl placed a hand on the robots leg (was it- he, wearing heels?) and pointed in his general direction.
“We know that, Mr. Spamton.”
The machine huffed, and steam poured out along with it. Mike gulped instinctively. Would there be an opening to run any time soon?
“TH3N WHY THE [4.99] D1D YOUUUU [bring me home] OUT???”
“He doesn’t know either! We were all hoping you could tell us.”
“[hum.mp3]…” the freakish Darkner tapped a claw on his chin dramatically, ending it with a shrug. “0KAY.”
The Pippins’ breath caught in his throat. Was this it? Was he finally going to get some REAL answers, at long last?
A cruel smile (the Darkner appeared stuck in a smile, but somehow, the Pippins could just feel its cruelty) graced Spamton’s features.
“ONLY 49872678 KROMER.”
Whatever the conversation rate to Dark Dollars was, or even to points (despite how defunct that currency was), Mike had not a dollar to his name.
“49 mill- what?” Susie cried. “Come on, Spamton! We ‘cut your strings’ or whatever, can’t you just give us a discount or something?”
Spamton glanced at the girl thoughtfully, but the Pippins’ refused to let himself hope.
“FINE. 49872677 KROMER.”
Justification. The second greatest feeling in the world.
The girl huffed, even as the Pippins mentally applauded her efforts.
“Kris, you got any ideas on how to make that kinda money?”
Kris, the blue knight in question, did not move a muscle. But in their strange and whispered tone, they said:
“Nope.”
“Damn. Sorry Mr. Maplemouth, we tried.”
Despite his inner self’s desperate screams for answers, Mike forced himself to grit a smile.
“It’s okay kids. Thank you for trying, that was very nice of you. Come again sometime and play the minigames when the rest of the Mikes are here, alright?”
Susie, the girl, smiled widely, her sharp teeth almost blinding compared to Kris’ shadowed self.
“You got it, Not-Mike! See ya around!”
The Pippins almost didn't realize until after the group had left that their prince, Ralsei, had not spoken a word for the entire encounter.
————
And now, speaking of silence, Mike returned to clarity to find that hardly a moment had passed since he began reminiscing, and his headache now doubled as he looked over and caught the still-jovial look on his boss’ screen.
Something cracked within him, possibly a tooth from how hard Mike was clenching his jaw, and his first clear thought since day 1 of this crazy charade made itself known.
I’M GOING TO KILL MYSELF—
Mike took a deep breath. Do. Not. Crash. Out.
“Mike, do me a favor and find me a gift I can give him.”
A punch in the throat, maybe. That’s the least he deserves for pulling such a jackass stunt. Mike, of course, did not write that down, and instead wrote ‘gift for Spamton for some reason.’
“I also need you to prepare my clothes for tomorrow.”
Right. Pluey- er, Cat Mike was already on costuming as per usual, so the green Pippins simply wrote ‘check Plues.’
Splitting Headache 2: the Death of Sanity; was starting its opening credits in the Pippins’ mind. So for once in his life, the green Pippins, Mike, Battat, chose to put himself first.
“You got it boss. Hey, uh, I just remembered some other… Mike business I gotta attend to. You mind if we cut this session short today?”
Tenna’s antennae unwound from one another, and he shot a look of surprise to the shorter Darkner. “It’s ah, only been five minutes, but, sure! I know how important Mike-ing can be, haha!”
Mike smoothed down the mask’s combover with little to no grace. “Great. Uh, thanks boss. I’ll. I’ll see you tomorrow?”
Tenna sat up fully, a small smile on his face as he tapped the tips of his yellow shoes together and swayed from side to side like a giddy schoolgirl. Mike was going to be sick.
“You know what? Why don’t you take tomorrow off, Mike. We don’t have a show to run JUST yet, and I’m sure you could use it after all these LONG YEARS running around the set! You deserve it.”
Tenna’s smile never changed, even as the clipboard and pen clattered to the floor with a deafening echo.
“You. Uh. You got it, boss.”
His boss grew just a smidge taller, his smile just a tad wider, and his screen just a pinch brighter.
“Allllllrighty then! Have a [[LOVELY]] rest of your day, Battat!”
Battat could only weakly wave goodbye as the CRT practically skipped out the door, knocking his antennae on the doorframe and muttering an “ow” on the way out.
Was… was this…?
WAS THIS HOW HE WAS BEFORE SPAMTON LEFT?
Battat rushed to gather his clipboard and pen from the ground, his thoughts a jumbled mess beyond only one clear agenda:
“I HAVE GOT TO MAKE SURE THESE TWO STAY TOGETHER THIS TIME!”
The next day, Tenna could barely contain his giggles as he pulled on the lapels of his new bright yellow suit. Pluey had truly outdone himself this time, and the blue linework really brought out the purple in his antennae.
Hopefully… Hopefully that beautiful stranger thought the same.
Stepping out into the town square, Tenna checked his inventory for Mike’s excellent little gift. It was perfect, and more importantly, marketable.
Tenna returned the object to his pocket and tried to contain yet another round of excited laughter. Good GOLLY Tenna, you haven’t even met him yet! Cool your tubes!
Arriving in front of the Dark World entrance, Tenna swiveled on a heel to properly scan the town for the stranger… or Kris and their friends, whichever worked best.
Ah! There he was. Tenna almost missed him as he walked around the side of the ‘Top Bakery.’
The CRT moved to catch up, but when he did, all he could find were Kris, their friends, and a set of bi-colored glasses that clattered to the ground beside the Lightner he’d watched grow up.
“Tenna!” Susie exclaimed, joy radiating off her as Kris knelt to gently retrieve the eyewear.
“SUSIE!” He returned, smiling just as wide as his former contestant.
“Glad to see you out and about, man! ‘m sorry we haven’t found you a new home yet, but we’re still looking! Promise!”
Tenna waved away the matter like it didn’t bother him in the slightest.
“Oh, don’t worry too much about that! I think I’m starting to enjoy this place. Might wanna stick around for a bit longer!” Tenna gave an exaggerated look around for emphasis while Susie’s smile grew more hopeful.
“You really mean it, Mr. Tenna?”
“[[YEAH]]!” He grinned, then adjusted his tie. “There is something else I could use your help with, though.”
“What can we do for you?” Ralsei asked, stepping up next to Susie.
(Leaving Kris behind.)
“I was looking to meet everyone in town, and I thought I got EVERYONE, but I recently realized I was still missing [[1]]!”
Ralsei’s smile didn’t falter. “Who?”
“Well I’m not sure! I was following him just a second ago, but he went around this corner and disappeared! I was thinking maybe the next time you see him, you could… oh, I don’t know.” Tenna played with the end of his unbroken antennae, a goofy smile taking over despite the onlooking children. “Introduce me, the next time you see him?”
Ralsei’s smile faltered a bit, and Susie’s full-on dropped into a look of… fear? What?
Kris hardly moved, but that was to be expected, from what he’d been told.
“Er… Mr. Tenna, that might not be such a good idea.”
The CRT fought the urge to shrink, but he still lost a good inch or two. “Why’s that?”
Susie shared a look with Ralsei before turning back to Tenna. “Dude, I’m pretty sure he like, hates your guts.”
Tenna shrunk five feet at that. “HATES ME? WHAT? Why?”
Susie patted his shoulder awkwardly, now that they were almost even in height. “Uh! Well, maybe he doesn’t hate hate you, but uh… Kris, what do we do?”
Kris’ whispered voice was heard above Tenna’s crowded thoughts.
“Introduce him.”
Susie glanced at the glasses in Kris’ hands, then back at the CRT. “Uh… okay. Then, you’re the one with the glasses, Kris.”
The glasses? Tenna glanced at the oddly-colored spectacles once again. They were the same color as the strangers’ eyes, now weren’t they? Were they some kind of calling card? A communications device? Some newfangled technology he didn’t understand?
Either way, Kris whispered something to the spectacles and set them on the ground, stepping back a bit.
After a solid minute of nothing happening, Tenna played an “awkward cough” clip and regrew a bit to excuse himself, but a crunchy and electrical sound coming from the glasses stopped him in his tracks.
Shielding his antennae from the shine, Tenna waited until the noise died out to return his gaze to the group.
Only to find the handsome stranger glaring back at him, wings flared out like a peacock’s feathered display.
“WHAT. DO YOU. [wanted], [cathode]?”
Tenna tried to ignore how his heart fluttered, even as he tried to guess at what he’d done to make the man so upset.
“Well, um, this my first time seeing you around Castle Town, which means you must be [[NEW]] too, right? So I wanted to give you the same warm welcome everyone around here gave [[ME]]! HERE!”
Pulling out the gift Mike had so expertly selected, Tenna only partially ignored when Ralsei shouted “hey!” at the sight of it.
The stranger’s expression grew into confusion as he accepted the gift.
His expression turned indescribable when he looked back up at the CRT.
“[A GENUINE RALSEI PLUSH!!]?”
“Wow! That was an EXACT copy of what I said during the show! Had no idea you were a viewer of mine, haha!”
But rather than turning joyful, bashful, or any other kind of positive ‘ful’ emotion, the tall stranger’s expression morphed into narrowed anger.
The stranger handed the Ralsei plush to, amusingly, Ralsei, who took it with a quiet ‘thank you.’ “YOU [serious time] DON>T [remember, Winnie!] ME?”
Tenna brought a hand up to the side of his screen, almost turning away in embarrassment. “I’d definitely remember meeting someone as [[DASHING]] as you, stranger.”
The stranger, despite his obvious blush, only got angrier. “OH REALLY?”
Before Tenna could muster up a response, another bright light engulfed the stranger. Following which a much shorter, and slightly more familiar face, emerged to greet him. Still with rage.
(Was he literally turning red? He hadn’t seen that since…)
“H0W ABOUT [nownownow-] [Trash Heap]!”
The shorter Darkner tapped his foot impatiently, and the fatscreen’s tubing finally connected the dots.
His heart dropped into his shoes.
“Angel’s grace, I am so. Sorry. It was wrong of me to spray you with foam, but you must understand, my daughter, she-“
“[Oh Em Gee,] T- T- [10% off]!!!! IT>S SPAM-SPAMTON G. SPAMTON!”
Tenna’s screen buffered for a moment.
“Huh?”
The stranger, no, Spamton, pinched the bridge of his familiar nose.
“[G O D] YOU ARE SO-SO-SO-S-” Spamton forced his jaw shut before continuing. “SO [Oblivion NPC]!!!”
It was difficult to understand what he was saying, and there were so many confusing thoughts going through Tenna’s tubing all at once, but despite it all, he tunnelvisioned in on the insult.
“Npc? NPC?? I’m no NPC! I’m a [[SUPPORTING CHARACTER!]] right Kris?”
Kris mumbled a response above the town's chatter.
“NPC, lol.”
Tenna turned away from the group, bouncing on his heels and throwing his nose and hands up to the sky. “UNBELIEVEABLE! My closest companions think I’m a… a useless background character!”
“[Ugg Name Brand] [cathode], THAT>S N0T EVEN [What? Why?] I MEANT!” Spamton steamed, turning redder by the second.
“I don’t think you’re a background character!” Susie added.
Tenna straightened his tie and turned back to the group.
He smiled warmly at the purple Lightner. “Thank you, Susie.”
She gave a small thumbs up.
Tenna swiveled and bent at the waist to almost meet Spamton’s eye, grinning like a maniac as he clasped his hands together behind his back. “Then what DID you mean?”
“THAT [Obviously…] I>M SPAMTON!! [top 10 most recognizable faces]?!?”
The CRT pinched the bridge of his nose in what he now realized was a habit he’d picked up from his former business partner.
“COME ON! You gotta admit you at least look a little… different?”
“DIFFERENT??? AND [hoo hoo]>S [fault line] IS THAT??”
“Uh… I don’t know, yours?”
“WHY YOU-”
Before Spamton could do anything drastic, Ralsei put a paw in front of the shorter Darkner.
“Let’s all be rational about this, okay? Kris, what do you think?”
Kris stood deliberating for a long time, then a strangled and sour expression twitched onto their face as they spoke.
“Kiss.”
Ralsei barely contained their confused blush. Tenna and Spamton did the same.
“Huh??” Was the goat Darkner’s poor response.
“Kiss.”
Kris’ expression became even more mortified as they motioned for Spamton and Tenna to come together with their gloved hands.
Spamton was the first to gather his thoughts. “WHAT??? WHY THE [%#$#] ARE YOU PLAYING [mother hen][%#$#]ING [matchmakers]??”
“KISS.”
“KRIS, YOU [little sponge], I DON>T EVEN HAVE [lip suction]!”
All of Tenna’s major brain utilities suddenly ceased to function.
“Ahem.” He attempted, speaking slowly with what was surely a small blush of his own. “Well… if you did, would you?”
Spamton turned his head almost 180 degrees to face Tenna.
“HUH??”
“Ah, would you WANT to kiss me, if you COULD?”
Spamton barely took the time to think about it before going almost rabid with anger. “I>D [beat] YOUR [ass] FIRST FOR WHAT [u] DID TO ME!!”
Tenna sputtered for a moment. “YOU? Beat [[MY]] ASS? In WHAT worl- nevermind. NEVERMIND! What about AFTER?”
Spamton didn’t become completely red like earlier, but he gained a certain rosy pallor as he looked at the loose gravel instead of Tenna. “WELL. MAYBE [afters].”
Tenna, despite all the anger he’d held in his tubing for years by this point, decided maybe, just maybe, they could…
Tenna knelt beside his old business partner and gave the three heroes a look that he hoped they could understand.
“Kids, I think me and Spamton have some things we need to talk through together. We’ll see you folks later, alright?”
Susie was the first to respond, a small but sincere smile on her face. “Okay. We’ll see you around, Mr. Tenna.” She nodded to the taller Darkner as she turned to leave. Then she turned to the other. “Spamton.”
She patted the short one’s shoulder and whispered a quick “good luck” before running off, and the others followed close behind, with Kris ‘dapping’ Spamton up on their way out.
Now, aside from the distant town ambiance, there was a deafening silence between the once-business partners.
Tenna bounced on his heels on instinct, always feeling better in motion.
“So, uh… yep.”
Spamton didn’t say much of anything, just watching Tenna as the TV fumbled the bag.
“Um…” Tenna didn’t even finish the thought, literally deflating as he sighed. “You wanna go beat each other up in the dojo over there?”
He pointed behind himself halfhazardly, but the CRT was sure the other Darkner knew what he was referring to. Or at least, the mischievous smile that took over his old partner’s face implied as much.
“[I thought you’d never-] NEVER ASK, [10% off]. ONLY [1] CONDITION.”
Tenna slowly reinflated, his antennae standing up to meet the day with the rest of him. “What’s that?”
Another bright light engulfed the short Darkner as he cackled, and when the light faded, the taller version of himself from earlier came into view.
“YOU HAVE TO [please don’t pick on-] SOME[1] YOUR OWN [shoe size].”
Tenna grinned. “You’re on.”